I AM JAM

Written by: Kevin Gatti

 

There I was. Floating in a vast space of nothingness. There was nothing around me. Just myself coasting along not knowing where I was going or where I was coming from. The only thing I did know was that in that moment, I existed.


I put my hands up and starred at them long and hard. I knew I had hands, but I had never looked at them in this way. Not sure if it was because there was nothing else to look at or I was seeing myself in a way I had never done before.
I lifted my left index finger and wiped it across the blank space in front of me. Suddenly a bright white line appeared in the distance where I had wiped my finger. I didn’t know that this was going to happen. I was surprised, amazed, and intrigued. I lifted my left index finger again and drew an ‘X’ in the blank space. A bright white ‘X’ appeared in the distance where I had wiped my finger. For a moment, I studied that ‘X’ and wondered what it was and what was happening.


I put my whole left hand up and wiped all five fingers across the blank space and suddenly five bright white streaks of light appeared in the distance. This time I started to notice that the lines I was drawing with my fingers were actually moving just like I was. The five streaks that I had just drawn were moving across the blank space like five shooting stars in the distance. It was nothing less than incredible.


I started to draw more and more all across the blank space. I was having lots of fun doing so. I love creating. I was drawing all different kinds of things and as I drew them the objects would then float off into the blank space. After a while I started to notice that the objects that I was drawing had been doing something extraordinary. They were morphing on their own and colliding and merging with each other. As a result, more complex objects were being formed.


Eventually, there were so many objects that the blank space was starting to fill up and soon it became clear to me that all of the objects were coming together and were all about to collide. I didn’t know what was going to happen and didn’t know what to do to stop it. I just stayed where I was and continued to float along as I watched in amazement as all the objects collided. Then there was a sudden boom and a large explosion occurred.


Moments later, a wave of debris from the explosion came my way. I was frightened and just covered my eyes as there was nowhere to hide. I could feel the wave of debris pass me with my eyes covered, but it didn’t hurt at all. It just felt like something had passed through me. I slowly uncovered my eyes to see what was happening now. To my surprise, I now saw colors. Lots of colors everywhere and in all types of forms. There appeared to be gases, liquids and solid objects just floating around everywhere. At first, it felt like I was in an art studio and all the paint had exploded everywhere. I reached my hand out to touch the paint and could feel it in my hands. A slab of ultramarine blue dripped between my fingers.


It felt like a masterpiece was forming before my eyes and yet I was doing nothing at all. The colorful debris from the explosion was starting to form together into different beautiful structures. Initially, I was not sure what the structures were, but then I was in complete awe when I realized what was happening. Planets, stars and galaxies as far as I could see were forming before my very eyes.


I thought to myself, “Did I do this? Did I trigger all of this to happen?”


I knew it couldn’t be possible. I wasn’t actually doing anything. The objects I had initially created had changed and evolved on their own into something I couldn’t even imagine. The things I had created had somehow taken on a life of their own and started creating themselves. It was a mystery to me, but I was highly intrigued.
I saw a planet in the distance start to glow a beautiful blue. I decided I wanted to get closer and at that moment of decision I flew really fast towards the planet. I was suddenly right in front of it. I was amazed by this planet’s beauty. It had blue covering over most of it with patches of green mass throughout. I wanted to know more about this planet and at that very thought I appeared in the sky of this planet slowly hovering to the ground.


Once I placed my feet on the ground, I looked around at the beauty that was all around. Green grass beneath me, an endless ocean not far in front of me, and tall, gorgeous snow-covered mountains behind me. As I looked around more, I started to notice insects on the ground and wonderous butterflies in the air. I then noticed the birds singing in the tall trees not too far from me.


In the field of grass before me I put out my left hand and started to do what I did before. With my left index finger, I started to draw. As I drew, I visualized a huge castle before me and before I could fully comprehend what I was doing, an actual huge castle was standing before me. I walked towards the castle in awe, I began to visualize what the inside looked like and when I entered my visualization matched what I was seeing.


Large, beautiful corridors surrounded me with a grand staircase before me. I started to walk up the staircase and as I went up the stairwell it grew into a spiral motion towards the top of the castle. I continue go up until the stairwell stopped at the top of the tallest tower. At the top of the stairs there was a balcony that circled the top of the tower revealing a breath-taking view of all of the surroundings.


Out in the distance, the sun was setting into the ocean. The sky was a memorizing orange, but unfortunately, it didn’t last long as the sun quickly set. Darkness took over the land with a million stars and two moons to light up the sky. The night was calming and relaxing. I could hear the ocean waves gently massaging the sandy beaches.


Apparently, there was no time to waste. My enjoyment of the night was short lived too as I soon noticed an orange glow come up from the mountains behind me. Morning had already arrived. I watched the sun rise above the mountains and become full daylight. I am still memorized by the sight of this beauty. After watching this gorgeous sunrise, I decided to make my descend from the castle to explore more of this unknown world.


Once outside of the castle I started to walk gleefully into the open field of grass. I started to spin, skip and jump as I danced to a tune I started to play in my head. I was in total bliss. I didn’t know where I was, but that was ok. I had complete happiness.


Then suddenly I heard a noise that disturbed my serenity and made me jump. I quickly looked around to see what it was. To my right is where I saw it. There was a lion in the distance staring right at me. I was horrified and initially didn’t know what to do. I was in the middle of a field and if I ran, he would surely catch me. Then I remembered that I could fly. I quickly took off from the ground and flew off to a nearby tree. I turned back and noticed the lion was still staring the same direction completely unmoved by my flying away.


“Did they even see me?” I asked myself.


I then started to wonder if the lion was really staring at something else. I looked in the direction that the lion was staring in and sure enough I saw what they were really staring at. There was another lion staring back at them. This other lion let out a roar and then the first one I saw roared back. It was clear that the two did not get along and perhaps a battle was about to take place.


I took a seat on the branch high up in the tree to watch from a far to see what would happen. The lions continued to roar at each other and soon I saw more lions appear. Their prides were now showing up and things were really getting heated.


I eagerly looked around to see what was triggering the dispute. I wondered if it was food and looked around for prey that was open for the taking, but I saw nothing of the sort. In fact, I saw no other animals around at all. Perhaps they sensed a brewing storm between these two prides and knew it was best to keep their distance.


I also wondered if it was me that they were fighting over. I started to question myself as to whether they really did see me. “Was I one of these pride’s dinner tonight?” An unnerving thought that crossed my mind.


Suddenly, there was a really load roar from both sides and the two prides started to charge at each other. It was spectacular and terrifying all at the same time. I had never seen anything like it. Within in moments, the prides were in full fledge battle. Lions were going head-to-head with each other and blood was being shed all across the grassy field.


I hated what I saw and yelled, “STOP! STOP! STOP!”


I wasn’t sure if they couldn’t even hear me, but I was pretty sure that they didn’t even know what I was saying if they did. I was only yelling into a void. My voice was completely muted to them.


I then had an idea. What if I created something that could make them stop? I turned to an area of the field away from the battle and draw a tree with my left index finger. Immediately, the tree came to life. “That’s it!” I mumbled to myself. I quickly turned back towards the lions battling and drew a wall that divided the sides. Just like the tree, the wall suddenly appeared right in the middle of the battle.


The sudden appearance of the wall caused mass confusion among both prides. Plus, there was an additional problem that I did not foresee. The wall had left some members of both prides on the opposite sides of the wall, which made them prime targets for attack. As many of the lions on both sides viciously attacked the few outsiders on both sides, some were quickly developing ways to get around the wall. The lions were evolving right before my eyes. Both sides were gathering materials and started building their own separate machines. At first, I wasn’t sure what the machines were. I thought maybe they were weapons, but then it became clear to me. They were machines to demolition the wall.


With my jaw now dropped, I watched them destroy the wall from both sides. As soon as there was a large enough gap in the wall, the two sides came rushing towards each other once again and the battle was back on.
I sat high up in the tree slumped down and discouraged. I didn’t know what else to do. I decided that I couldn’t watch anymore and left at once. I shot up into the sky and back into the vast openness of space. Once again, I was just floating along.


I coasted along for some time, pondering on what was actually happening. I didn’t know who I was or even what my name was. It bothered me as I tried to think really hard about it, trying to remember something. Then I panicked. “Am I God? NO!” I was completely freaking out at one point repeatedly telling myself that I was not God. I began justifying what I had created and everything that was happening around me. I thought about how I had tried to interfere with the free will of those lions and how God wouldn’t have done that, therefore I couldn’t be God. To even think that I was completely spooked me and gave me chills.


Eventually I floated my way into another planet where what I saw completely distracted my perplexed mind. There was a highly developed society. There were trains, planes and cars. On top of that, everything appeared to be very technologically advanced, with large monitors and floating objects all around. I became extremely intrigued with this planet and began exploring and studying it in depth. It was an amazingly evolved civilization with the know-how on pretty much everything. They had studied and had a greater knowledge than I did about this suppose universe. However, they didn’t know who I was either, or how this suppose universe was created. I realized early on while on this planet that they could not see me, and while sitting in on a scholarly debate about how this universe came about, I thought to myself, “Well, funny story…”


After exploring that planet for some time, I went on a quest to find others just like it. I not only found another one like it, but I also found many planets that were just like it. It was extraordinary to me. I had new interest in discovering more knowledge about this suppose universe. As I explored, I discovered there where many different kinds of planets and unique astonishments throughout. I found all kinds of different civilizations. While there were similarities between some, there were no two exactly alike. I found some civilizations that impressed me, and I found some that concerned me.


I was discovering that I had created something that went on to create other things, that went on to create even more things. It was a never ending, complex extension of creating. I was also learning that my only true power was creating and that everything I created also had that power, but everything had it in a different and unique way. Another thing I was learning was the importance of letting everything flow and never interfering. Everything had their own journey to discover themselves, their universe, and their own unique way of creating in it all.


While I often thought about interfering with the civilizations that concerned me, I always ultimately did not and allowed them to run their course. My lesson in flow was rooted from the battle of the lions. I had learned that no matter what I did, the lions were going to do their own thing and that I could never really predict or manipulate the outcome. I had realized that my intervening with the battle of the lions offered nothing actually good, in fact, it may have actually made things worse.


I took long time to explore this universe. Time and space worked funny here. Time always seemed to move fast, and space always seemed to work to my favor. Two things I couldn’t control. However, I found some of the civilizations had developed a great mastery of understanding the two. These were also some of the civilizations that concerned me the most.


After all that exploring and diving into an infinite amount of knowledge, I started to feel lonely. I wished I had a friend. Someone to talk to and share creative ideas with. I thought to myself, “I created a castle, why can’t I create a friend?”


I lifted my left index finger and started to draw someone who looked similar to me as I visualized them in my head. Once I had finished drawing them, they immediately came to life. I was actually quite surprise that it worked.
“Jam!” The new person I created yelled.


Jam suddenly clicked in my head. It didn’t feel new to me. It was like I had always knew that word from somewhere. It felt particularly close.


The new person I created came towards me and put their arms around me. “Jam, how are you?”
My thoughts exploded with joy like I was putting in the final piece of an extremely difficult puzzle. “That’s it. That’s how I know Jam. That’s my name. I am Jam!”


I put my arms around the person I created, and the name Frankie suddenly came to my mind. “I’m doing good, Frankie. How are you?” I said back with a strange sense of happiness. It felt as if I had waited an eternity to speak actual words to someone. I actually thought to myself that maybe it had been that long.


“I’m doing good, Jam. I’m doing good.” Frankie said as we continued to embrace in a hug.
“So, do you know what’s going on? What all this is?” I said to Frankie.


They looked at me confused and started to laugh. “What? You created all of this, silly.”


“Yeah, I’m still trying to figure out how I did that.” I mumbled curiously thinking maybe Frankie may know.
It was like Frankie read my mind. They then responded as if I asked directly. “I have no idea. You know more than I do. I just got here. Remember?”


I then thought about how that was right because I had just created Frankie. Of course, I then wondered who created me. There was a complete blank. I had absolutely no idea. I didn’t have much time to ponder because Frankie was full of energy doing cartwheels through the vast open space and asking a ton of questions that I didn’t really know myself.


“SHOW ME! SHOW ME! What’s this? What’s that?” Frankie said as they pointed to different objects in the distance.
Just when I thought I was starting to get a good understand of how everything worked, I now felt there was still so much for me to know. I started to follow Frankie around showing them different things and answering their questions to the best of my abilities. After some time, we settled down on a planet with a big ocean and tropical islands. We rested on an island with little activity. We laid on the beach all day, from sunrise to sunset. It was serene.


Frankie and I did this for many days on this planet. The days were fast, but we were still there a long time and we talked for a long time too. We got to know each other, and we discussed doing more exploring and even the idea of creating together eventually. I was getting very comfortable with Frankie. It was like they had always been there. We just clicked and understood each other. I was glad I brought Frankie into all of this. I needed a friend. I needed someone to talk to and who would care about me.


Unfortunately, our time in this paradise eventually ended in a way I didn’t want or expect. I went for walk by myself into the water for a little bit. When I came back to our spot on the beach, I realized that Frankie was gone. I immediately started to panic. I looked around thinking maybe I was in the wrong spot, but quickly realized that I was indeed in our spot.


“FRANKIE! FRANKIE!” I started to yell with no response back. I was alone on the beach. Just the sand between my toes, the ocean waves behind me and the island trees in front me. I then thought maybe Frankie went for a walk further into the island. I tried to calm myself by insisting that this was the case. I laid back down on the beach and rested. I watched the sun set and rise for a couple more days. After all that time, there was still no sign of Frankie. I was now becoming really concerned. I started to wonder maybe something had happened to Frankie while going for a walk. I floated up into the air and started to fly over the island slowly looking for any sight of Frankie. After doing this for the rest of that day and still seeing no sign of Frankie, a deep sadness started to come over me. I returned to our resting spot on the beach. As the sun set, I kept looking over to where Frankie would be sitting wishing they were there, but nothing happened. I thought I could always create another Frankie, but the idea of that upset me even more. I felt a new Frankie wouldn’t be the old Frankie, and I wanted the old Frankie. I wanted my friend back.


My sadness started to turn into frustration. I took a bunch of sand where Frankie was sitting and threw it. After that I started to notice the sky change. Dark clouds started to form over the ocean. They then started to move towards me. I could hear the rumble of thunder and could see the lightning in the clouds. As I watched this storm approach, it started to rain and before long it was pouring. I just sat there as my visibility decreased. I had no desire to move or to seek shelter. I was completely ok with getting soaked. I had lost the motivation to do much of anything. I just wanted Frankie back. I missed them really badly.


The storm wouldn’t let up. It just kept going and I just kept sitting there. Soon I noticed the waves from the ocean start to wash up around me. I continued to sit there unphased by nature’s sob fest happening around me. The water gradually increased up my body, covering every inch. Once I was completely submerged underwater, I opened my eyes and saw nothing. I could feel myself drifting off the sand that was under me. I was now floating underwater in complete silence. The sounds of the storm now seemed so far away but yet they were still so close.


Under water, I wondered if I could drown. Could I die? Was it possible for me to die in a world or even a universe that I basically created? Eventually, my head hit the surface of the water and I desperately started gasping for air. So, I guess the answer was that I could have died. I was learning that while I had the power to create, I also had limits. I don’t think I fully realized it at the time, but perhaps the most important lesson was that I myself was not indestructible and that I too could come to an end.


I struggled in the water for some time. I was aware of my power and knew I could easily fly out but debated whether it was worth it. I wondered if it was worth continuing to live the way I was. While I loved creating, I didn’t know where I was going with it and wanted so badly to have a personal connection. I had Frankie and they were mysteriously taken away from me. As I struggled in the water, I saw no sign of the island anymore. It appeared I was now in the middle of the ocean and in the middle of a never-ending storm. I thought how perfect this setting was. No one in this universe actually cared about me and no one was actually there to even listen to me. I pictured myself in the metaphor of playing a violin and just like that, a violin appeared in my arms. Somehow in the middle of somewhat drowning, I started to play my violin for no one to hear. I had never played a violin before and yet, somehow there I was in the middle of the ocean playing.


After some time, I got bored. Yes, I really believe that’s what did it. I got bored and just like that it stopped raining and somehow, I washed up on shore of a beach that was not the one Frankie and I were on, so I had no desire to be there. I threw the violin on the sand and flew back out of that planet and into the vast space.


I was no longer sad, but I was annoyed and angry. I felt that things weren’t fair. Instead of being grateful for what I already had and for what I had already created, I chose to continue to dwell on the loss of Frankie. I started to look around and notice something quite striking. I saw multiple flashes of light in the distance. I flew in that direction and noticed multiple galaxies were falling apart. It was quite profound to see. I got even closer to some of the planets and noticed that they were completely blazed with fire. Other planets in these galaxies were in complete war. Destruction was everywhere.


I than thought about my own emotional state. I asked myself whether my own mood was impacting these galaxies. The idea infuriated me. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break. Everything I did, thought or felt was creating something in some way or form. No matter what, everything seemed to be impacted in some way. As my anger escalated, I thought to myself, “Well no sense watching it all slowly burn. If it’s going to burn, then let’s make it burn.”


I then grabbed an entire planet that was at war and throw against another planet that was at war. The two planets exploded, and a huge fire ball shot out. I then grabbed a star and threw it at some of the planets in its solar system like at a bowling alley, taken several out with even more fire balls shooting out. I became angrier with the more I destroyed. As my anger increased, the more everything around me started to destroy itself on its own. I want on a rampage destroying everything in sight. Before I really knew the extend of what I had done, about half of the universe was now destroyed. It was now nothing more than a super mass field of floating debris.


I was becoming exhausted for the first time. I just had enough of it all. I stopped destroying because I just didn’t have it in me anymore. I buried my face into my hands and sobbed uncontrollably. I felt like I was surrendering to whatever powers that be or the flow of whatever is. I had no more energy to keep going on.


After crying for what felt like for forever, I looked up and was stunned by what I now saw before me. The parts of the universe that I had destroyed had formed into new galaxies, planets and so on. On top of that, the universe had gotten even bigger. It was now about double in size. I quickly flew to some of these new galaxies and began to explore their planets and discovered new and even more beautiful places had formed. I was witnessing life as I knew it completely recycle and regenerate on its own. It was nothing less than astounding.


I was beginning to realize that the whole thing just kept going. That there really was no beginning or end. It was all infinite. There were just hills and valleys in a never-ending creative cycle of expanding life. There was always going to be more to learn, more to grow, and more to create.


Awe and amazement had taken over as my primary emotions. While I still missed Frankie, I was no longer sad or angry. I was developing a greater sense of what was happening and with that newfound respect for what was happening.


Just as I was becoming at peace with my new level of understanding, the most incredible thing yet occurred. In the far distance I started to hear something familiar. At first, I couldn’t make out what it was. I started to move closer to the noise.


“JAM! JAM!” I could hear being yelled out and could immediately recognize the voice. It was Frankie. I instantly became overjoyed and started racing towards the direction of Frankie’s voice.


“Frankie! I missed you so much! Where did you go?” I yelled as I got closer.


“You won’t believe what I’ve been doing!” Frankie yelled back as I could now see them getting closer.
I smiled as they got even closer. “I just hope you’re ok.”


Frankie got to me and put their arms around me. “Of course, I’m ok. I’m better than ok. I’m amazing!”


“What happened?” I asked as I hugged Frankie never wanting to let go.


“I’m sorry for leaving you, but there were things I needed to do on my own.” Frankie explained.
Before I could ask what those things were, I noticed something quite grand coming very fast behind Frankie. “What is that?” I asked with increasing concern.


Frankie chuckled as they looked behind them. “That’s my universe. I went and created my own.”


Frankie’s universe was coming in really fast and I was becoming extremely alarmed by what could happen. “Ok, but it’s coming this way really fast. It’s going to collide with my universe.”


Frankie laughed. “That’s the point silly. I created everything I’ve ever wanted to create on my own. Now I want to join forces with you and create together.”


I said nothing in return. I was speechless. The beauty of this very moment was more than enough. I continued to put my arms around Frankie and we both hugged each other tight as both our universes collided. There was no sound. Just a brilliant bright light that was brighter than I had ever seen. The light had completely engulfed us. I was frozen and couldn’t move at all, but I could feel the pressure hitting us from the collusion. After several moments, I began to see a new universe with all new wonderous colors that I could never possibly even imagine before. Everything was so beautiful that I can’t even put into words to describe. It was magical and surreal.


Then just like that, everything went blank, and it was all over. I opened my eyes gasping for air while lying in my bed. The whole thing was nothing more than a dream.

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